Today's Pizza Goals

I made some dough last using Jim Lahey’s no-knead recipe. It’s not the first time, but I prefer it over other methods because I don’t cake everything in the kitchen with flour. It’s all contained in a bowl the same way those “cookie in the jar” things were that we were forced to assemble in Home Ec class.

The dough I made last night and hid in the corner of the kitchen has been rising steadily. I think this morning it celebrates it’s twelfth hour on earth which is equivalent to 25 dough years. If my anthropological studies are correct, that means it’s about ready to take on the Pizza Trials to reach pizza maturity. It’ll have to pass the Trial by Oven, Trial by Toppings, and Trial by Belly. I’ll let you know how that goes.

The pizza’s goals are clear, but as the pizza’s guide I feel responsible for setting my own goals to ensure that there’s a successful blending of belly and pizza. What’s the point of waking up before noon if you’re not going to set goals? 

Pizza Goals

  • Don’t stretch the dough too thin. I try to get the most out of my dough which is foolish since the cost of making dough is about $1. Nothing but dividends, as they say in the biz. Tonight I’m going to use more dough to avoid pizza potholes and other disasters. Pizza potholes and other disasters is also the name of my autobiography.
  • Simplicity! I ended up with twice as much fresh mozzarella as I needed. The lady at Penn Mac misheard me and she was bubbling over with sweetness that I didn’t have the heart to tell her there was a miscommunication. Despite the surplus, it’s important to keep the pizza light so that it doesn’t turn into a trash heap of ingredients hopelessly mixing with one another like one of those key parties from the 70’s.
  • Not make a mess. When I’m done making pizza the kitchen is covered in flour, water, and cheese. Like a meth lab exploded. Except instead of a meth lab it’s a papermache lab. Not tonight! Simple and clean. 
  • Delicious. It’s gotta be delicious pizza.

Grocery Store Pizza May Not be the Best Pizza

I was near Philidephia for a wedding and I popped into a few grocery stores for necessary supplies. I needed to stop at a PNC bank in one instance, and a few other times I needed beer. NEEDED.

Anywhere you go for groceries, you’re going to enter a Wegman’s. Wegman’s does a great job of expanding the idea of a grocery store. Traditionally, it should be a place to buy a banana for $.05. These days, it’s an event. They have a team of humans rolling sushi, eight kiosks specializing in a different type of edible material, and an entire restaurant. Yes, an already bloated grocery store has a restaurant inside of it. It’s a spectacle that I’ve seen replicated in Western Pennsylvania, but this is a bit out of control.

But pizza. Out of all the food they offer these grocery-giants are most proud of their pizza displays. The first obstacle encountered in any grocery store entered was a counter covered in pizza. Some pizzas were half-baked and ready for the taking. Other pizzas have yet to feel the hand of heat. Fresh pizza was also an option as most grocery stores contained pizza ovens as if the grocery store was built atop a pizza burial ground.

It goes beyond offering pizzas for suburbanites to place in their cart alongside bread, prescription pills, baby formula, and anything that’s buy one get one (BOGO). At the Wegman’s I visited they were offering families the opportunity to build their own pizza party. An admiral venture. I didn’t have the extra five dollars to take the class so I don’t know what happened. Maybe they taught the importance of having matching plates and napkins, or who at the party you serve pizza to first (whoever’s birthday is closest). 

Slices of pizza are placed on podiums for the curious to admire. Will you tempt fate by eating pizza that’s been at room temperature longer than it’s taken you to snake your way through the store? I didn’t dare touch this pizza. I know, I’m a terrible pizza journalist. It looked overcooked and barren. Similar to the surface of Mars dried sponge. Major Tom would have taken a chance with this pizza. Coming back from outer space will give you that extra ounce of courage (Editor’s Note: as we’ve seen before, pizza that looks like the surface of an alien planet is a good thing. Thanks to loyal pizza adventurer John Carman for pointing that out).

Is having a pizza palace inside grocery stores typical for the east coast? Or did I happen to wander into the right spots at the right time? Any insight you might have would be great. In the mean time, I’ll look into getting a grant to fuel a study.

Girl Eats Nothing but Pizza for 8 Years, My Personal Hero →

This girl suffers from Selective Eating Disorder (SED). She says that the mere thought of eating anything other than pizza is as frightening to her as being locked in a car with a colony of spiders is to me.

Around 11 years old she worked up the courage to eat pizza and never looked back. Sure, she may be scared to eat anything else, but who can blame her? Pizza is legitimately the greatest thing in the world. Plus, with the unlimited varieties and combination of toppings no two pizzas are ever alike.