Dispatch From The Polar Pizza Vortex

The Polar Pizza Vortex has consumed the Mid-West and North Eastern portions of the United States. Above, you can see critical satellite imagery of the coverage. The Pizza Vortex is traveling East, slowly but surely. 

Its surface-area is that of 1.5 millions large 16'inch pizzes gathered side by side. It’s as though Mother Nature ordered an extra large pizza for the globe, forgot to heat it up, and plopped it onto the United States.

During the icy, flash frozen nature of the Polar Pizza Vortex, it’s advised that you do not succumb to frozen pizza. You will only instigate the Polar Pizza Vortex further and cause it to expand and rob more of the globe of heat. Instead, you’ll have to order a fresh pizza.

But please, consider the human who has to deliver the pizza to you. They are risking their lives to fight through the Polar Pizza Vortex to bring you a piping hot pizza. Though, in -33 wind chill temperatures you must wonder how warm the pizza will be when it arrives on your icy stoop. Instead, venture out into the Polar Pizza Vortex and retrieve the pizza yourself. 

Equipped with some delicious pizza, huddle inside your home and wait for the Polar Pizza Vortex to subside. 

This is the only way to survive the Polar Pizza Vortex. Me? I’ll be enjoying a large pizza from the one and only Spak Brothers Pizza.