We received this call late afternoon. A worried banana went to clean its windowsill like it does every other Friday at 3pm. This time was different.
On the opposite side of the windowsill, as if the banana was looking through an alternate dimension, there laid a post-mortem slice of pizza. The slice was cut in half. The cut was neither clean nor even. It was sloppy, just like its assailant.
Forensics think that this pizza was attacked late at night. It was leaving a bar after drinking too many High Lifes and stumbled into the wrong crowd. There’s signs of excess struggle and a wallet was found nearby. All ID was missing, save for a phone number written in lipstick that said “Call me, love."
In the wake of this attack were drops of cheese and blood mixed with a bit of sauce (that was way too sweet to be on a pizza). If anyone has any information about this attack, please contact the Pizza Victims Unit