The Gifts of the Pizza

It’s not a Pizza Walk With Me Christmas until I amass a pile of gifts aimed to facilitate my pizza journey across the globe. One by one I opened presents hoping that the wrapping paper was hiding a state-of-the-art pizza cutter, or a codex that held ancient pizzas. In the case of the latter, I can imagine Indiana Jones would then jump through my window, punch me in the throat, scream that the pizza codex “belonged in a  museum,” then escape. I’m kind of glad I didn’t get any pizza relics this year, actually. I was lucky enough to receive a couple of key items that no pizza adventurer should be without. They are as follows.

Pac-Man Pizza Gloves

A little known secret is that the best time to eat pizza is within the first three seconds that it emerges from the oven. The heat guards the flavor, keeping away pizza sissies, but armed with this Pac-Man Pizza Glove, I can withstand any amount of heat up to 443 degrees fahrenheit. I’ll be able to grip and waka-waka-waka my way through a slice of pizza like it was an everyday power pellet. 

A Pizza Satchel

Many times I’ve been frustrated with my human limitations. With two hands that means I can only carry, at most, four slices of pizza. Unlike kangaroos, I don’t have the pleasure of stuffing pizza in my body to save for later. Until science finds a way for humans to develop internal pizza sacks, my pizza pal, Christa, got me this handy pizza satchel. There’s pockets for parmesan cheese and red pepper flakes, a cushioned slot for fragile sicilian pizza, and there’s space for grand New York Style slices. 

A Pizza Pointer

With this laser pointer I can point out faults in a pizza, highlight perfect cheese perfection, and enhance my pizza presentations. It’s a handy contraption that can help solve a lot of confusion when I say, “Hey, look at that circle of pepperoni that’s slightly undercooked and lacks the kiss of grease that the others possesses.” My pizza partner would usually stare at me, lacking her third pizza eye. But now I can simple shine a light on the pepperoni in question. Pizza progress!

Those are some of my pizza gifts and I hope your holiday celebrations was peppered with pizza tools and items to excel your pizza appreciation. It should be every day that we exchange pizza gifts, but I’ll take this one day out of the year for now.